We had been sitting in the examining room for 2 hours now, which says nothing of how long we had been in the waiting room, before the ultrasound and after the ultrasound. Outside the blinds, across the street, there was a McDonalds. It's golden arches like the gates to paradise! (Obviously, my famished stomach had romanticized the idea of McDonalds.) I didn't send Jacob out because I figured the Doctor would come any second. Hours later, my decision did not fill my empty stomach with anything but regret. I hate having to wait at the drs!* I come 15 minutes early so I will be ready at my appointment! Don't overbook yourself!
And just as I was about to overheat from anger, the phlebotomist entered the room and my hot rage was replaced with cold fear. I do not appreciate being stabbed by needles.* I also have a tendency to loose my ability to filter thoughts before they pass through my lips with trying to maintain my composure.* Also, I am hilarious.* It was these things combined that pave the way for the story I entitle:
The Phlebotomist
This slight black woman entered my room with a chuckle already on her lips. She set down her Kit of Doom and pat her short curly hair before putting on her gloves.
"Are you going to take my blood?!"
She chuckled a bit before saying, "Yes, I've got to take some blood. We have to do some testing!"
This she said as she prepped her cotton ball, removed the bandaid from the wrapper and stuck on end of it on her glove, literally at hand.
"Look at her!" I say to my husband. "She's got a system! She's got this stuff down!"
She chuckles some more as she comes at me with the Band of No-Circulation and the Needle, which had a blue thing on it.
"What is that?! That's looks like a straw!" my filterless mouth blurts.
She starts laughing, "What looks like a straw!?"
"That thing!" I exclaim pointing at the blue thing.
"Elizabeth," my husband admonishes me. "You know what that is. You've taken blood before."
A look of disbelief and horror cross my face. "What!?!?" I gasp. "I would never remove blood from someone's body! Why would you do that?! Blood belongs on the inside of people's bodies! No offense, ma'am." I say turning to the woman aiming a needle at my vein.
At this point, the phlebotomist is cracking up.
In turn, I begin laughing and with my laughter, tears start spilling down my face.
"What are you crying for!??!" she asks.
"Sometimes. that happens. when I laugh."* I manage to choke out between bouts of laughter and gasping for air.
At that the woman fell over on the floor laughing.
"Look at her!" I roar. "She fell over! Woman has to take her gloves off!"
"Are you serious?!" she roars back. "You cry when you laugh?"
"Pregnancy is confusing!" I cry.
And we all broke down again, roaring, rolling, crying, the works.
Pulling ourselves together, she repreps herself as I led to the soiling of her gloves.
"Honey, you have to talk to her," she tells Jacob, "because she can't talk to me!"
So Jacob starts talking and I, apparently a little unaware of what all was going on, look down at the moment she's about to stab me. And, with no filter, exclaim, "She's about to stab me!"
Which sets her laughing again.
"Elizabeth!" Jacob says, "You're not supposed to look"
"She looked down at the exact wrong moment," guffaws the lady who is still laughing.
"Ok! Ok! I've got it this time."
Jacob resumes talking. She stabs me. I let out a strangled noise of pain.
"You're doing great, honey. That's two. It looks like she just has one more... oh... wait..."
"What?! How many!? How many is she taking!?!?"
"I don't know. A lot?"
The phlebotomist starts laughing again.
"Don't make her laugh, Jacob!" I scolded. "She'll break off the needle inside of me! I don't even know how you would get that out! I would just have a needle in my arm!"
"They would cut you open," my ever logical husband explains.
"I DON'T WANT THEM TO CUT ME OPEN!"
At that moment a very concerned looking nurse explodes into the room! All three of us are dying laughing. I have tears running down my red face. Blood is pouring out of my arm (into the appropriate receptacles.) Jacob is doubled over beside himself. The phlebotomist body is racking with peals of laughter.
"We're fine! We're fine!" she told the nurse.
And after we had a minute to compose ourselves, I pondered, of course aloud, "Was I being loud?"
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