How to Not be a Crazy Tourist

One day we were in the market when we heard someone shouting. We turned to see this white woman
approached nationals and was shouting at them about the cool way they were holding their babies. Gesticulating wildly and shouting the whole time, she removed her backpack to pull it on her stomach like a baby carrier to show them how they held babies in America.

We deducted that a cruise ship had docked somewhere and tourists were led to the market to rub elbows with the nationals. They were everywhere, shouting, standing in clusters looking frightened of the world, and haggling. 

You can tell the tourists from the local white people easily. And that's because tourists act so ... touristy. 

And if you're from Hampton Roads, you know what a grave insult that is. 

Coming from Hampton Roads, I was raised hating tourists. (Pronounced ter -ists. It also needs to be spat out as if the word is distasteful.) And the reasons for our disdain was well founded. ALWAYS in the way. LOUD, RUDE, IGNORANT. I can go on and on about this but I won't. 

The main thing is, you may be a tourist, don't seem a tourist.

• Dress appropriately.
  Maybe you don't know the cultural expectations. Just look out a window and do what the majority are doing. DO NOT see ONE girl sporting skinny jeans and think that's ok. You don't know her reputation. 
• Shhh!
  If you don't know the language, shouting is not going to help. If you're lucky enough to be in Papua New Guinea where the trade language sounds almost just like English, speak slowly and clearly with simple vocabulary. If they do know some English, it's more likely they'll understand "too much" than "exorbitantly priced."
• Listen!
  Some places you're just going to stick out, like me in Papua New Guinea. I'm the center of attention ALL THE TIME. If you love the spotlight, trust that it will come to you, but spend as much time listening as you can. You'll learn way more that way that if your mouth is going a mile a minute.  
• Be a Follower
  No one expects you to take a class on cultural expectations before you come, but if you don't want to be a tourist, look around. Is anyone haggling at the market? Not in PNG. That would be rude. Trying to say their food isn't worth the price they listed! How are people greeting each other? Men and women aren't exchanging pleasantries? Be careful not to imply you're loose and especially do not extend invitations.
  I know this is so not the American way, but stop and look around. Go second. Be a follower. Be a student in a new culture. 
• Go with the flow
  Act like you belong. Timid, quivering, and hesitant people stand out. Smile pretty, join a wave of people and walk with them, do as the person in front of you does. Is he stopping to look at things? Is he ignoring everything? 

While the examples are Papua New Guinean, the principles apply everywhere. So, go forth and experience the world without being that person that nationals laugh about behind your back.  

Share your experiences! Have you seen bizarre tourist habits? Have you been a bizarre tourist? It's ok. This is a safe place. 

The hat was quickly lost...